Have you ever listened to bureaucrats in
conversation, or heard them speaking publicly, and felt confused because you
didn’t really understand what they were saying, or because their actions seemed
to belie their words? Don’t worry. It’s not because you’re not smart or
well-educated, it’s because you’re not conversant with their language –
Bureaucratize. That’s right, there is such a language, and it’s spoken daily by
millions of bureaucrats, using English or other languages as a medium.
Having been a part of the Land of Bureaucracy for
half a century, I developed a modicum of fluency in this arcane language. That
is, I learned to understand it. I just never developed the same degree of
fluency in speaking, in part because of my grandmother. You see, she always
taught me to say what I mean and avoid obfuscation. Obfuscation is not her
word, she used a word that means male bovine excretion, but my grandma was a
salty old bird who never minced words.
At any rate, to help those of you who are
floundering trying to make sense of the outpourings of the denizens of the Land
of Bureaucracy, I have prepared a short list of some common words and phrases
that will hopefully help you make sense of it. The list is in two categories;
designations of people and commonly heard phrases. If you have your own
favorites, don’t hesitate to include them in comments to this post.
What They Say What They Really Mean
Descriptions
of People
Hands-on
Manager A micro-manager who is forever in your
knickers
Mission-focused
Person A
slave driver without an ounce of
compassion
People
Person A
pushover
Meticulous
Planner A
hopeless procrastinator
Aggressive
Go-getter A
real bastard who’d sell his mother
for
a promotion
Easy
going Person A
lazy bum
Absolutely
Loyal Person A
yes-man
Organization
Man A
rat fink
He has
a wealth of experience He's about
to retire
Commonly Heard Phrases
I’ll
get back to you Don’t
hold your breath
Have
you considered all alternatives? I
hate this proposal
This
is very innovative This
scares the hell out of me
Let’s
study this some more This
is disapproved
This
won’t take long I
hope you have a week free to do this
You’re
indispensable Your
vacation has been cancelled
With
all due respect You
suck
I
hate to impose Drop
whatever you’re doing, I need
you
to do this for me
I
need this by close of business I’ll
get to it next week
I
need this first thing tomorrow I’ll
get to it next month
This
is the way we've always done it This
is the way we've always done it, so
stop
recommending changes
We’ve
never done it this way before Your
idea sucks, and it’s disapproved
There
are many more phrases in Bureaucratize that seemed designed to hinder
communication, or hide meaning. I’m sure if you put your mind to it, you can
think of a few. Hopefully, though, this short guide will lessen the anxiety and
confusion the next time you venture into the Land of Bureaucracy.
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